Worst sexual encounter

Ok, yeah this is somewhat of a copycat thread from another forum, and I'm not going to ask for MS Paint depictions, but it still could make for some entertainment.

Describe your worst/most awkward sexual encounter. Pics are encouraged if you can dig up FB/LinkedIn profiles.

I'll tell my story after you tell yours.

WhiteBoyHatcher wrote:

I'll tell my story after you tell yours.

Naw. It doesn't work like that. If you're gonna start a thread like this you need to lead off with a good one.

The Pantry wrote:
Naw.  It doesn't work like that.  If you're gonna start a thread like this you need to lead off with a good one.

I think he just wants to hear from others so he can get an idea of what his first time will be like.

Mine is not really humorous. I mean I guess it is to my buddies 20 years later, but it's not exactly a great story.

We had a group whore who hung out with us for a bit. I used to go home for weekends occasionally during my freshman year at MSU and party with my HS friends who were in AA, Ypsi, home town, etc because I hated my dorm situation and my parents were always out of town. So generally it would be the same group of people partying at a dorm in AA, or my buddies' apt in Ypsi, or my parents house or another house in our hometown.

Drinking heavily one night I wound up hooking up with "the whore" in an apartment bedroom. Apparently she did not like to give blowjobs. This surprised me because after getting her naked she was suddenly blowing me. I don't remember the exact details, but she did this for some time. I think I was encouraging further participation to reach certain milestones. She did not object, nor did I feel that she was resisting.

At some point it stopped, before milestones occurred. 10 minutes later she was crying and claiming I made her feel uncomfortable and shit got really awkward for a little while.

The situation never really resolved itself. She kind of apologized to me for making it seem like I forced myself on her when I didn't.

So, as you can tell, not really the type of story I was hoping for. I gotta figure there are some good stories out there about getting poo/blood on your dick or whatnot.

WhiteBoyHatcher wrote:Ok, yeah this is somewhat of a copycat thread from another forum, and I'm not going to ask for MS Paint depictions, but it still could make for some entertainment.

Describe your worst/most awkward sexual encounter. Pics are encouraged if you can dig up FB/LinkedIn profiles.

I'll tell my story after you tell yours.

Remember when you raped that girl ?

Edit..I posted this before I read your post above. Awesome. One time I jumped off the end of a dock 300 feet onto a boat to run away from a girl I just banged.

GirbaudJeans wrote:

Remember when you raped that girl ?

Edit..I posted this before I read your post above.  Awesome.  One time I jumped off the end of a dock 300 feet onto a boat to run away from a girl I just banged.

Come on, you have a thousand of these. Help me out here. Clap story?

WhiteBoyHatcher wrote:Mine is not really humorous. I mean I guess it is to my buddies 20 years later, but it's not exactly a great story.

We had a group whore who hung out with us for a bit. I used to go home for weekends occasionally during my freshman year at MSU and party with my HS friends who were in AA, Ypsi, home town, etc because I hated my dorm situation and my parents were always out of town. So generally it would be the same group of people partying at a dorm in AA, or my buddies' apt in Ypsi, or my parents house or another house in our hometown.

Drinking heavily one night I wound up hooking up with "the whore" in an apartment bedroom. Apparently she did not like to give blowjobs. This surprised me because after getting her naked she was suddenly blowing me. I don't remember the exact details, but she did this for some time. I think I was encouraging further participation to reach certain milestones. She did not object, nor did I feel that she was resisting.

At some point it stopped, before milestones occurred. 10 minutes later she was crying and claiming I made her feel uncomfortable and shit got really awkward for a little while.

The situation never really resolved itself. She kind of apologized to me for making it seem like I forced myself on her when I didn't.

So, as you can tell, not really the type of story I was hoping for. I gotta figure there are some good stories out there about getting poo/blood on your dick or whatnot.

Turrible.

WhiteBoyHatcher wrote:

Come on, you have a thousand of these. Help me out here. Clap story?

You can tell it. Your memory is better than mine. All I remember is the nipple rings and pissing fire. Actually I am too lazy to type all the stories out right now otherwise I would have a lot of fun with this thread. I give you permission to tell them on my behalf though.

That's why I said I'd go second you fucking assholes.

WhiteBoyHatcher wrote:That's why I said I'd go second you fucking assholes.

Lock this thread

I had a girl come over that I met once before. We started watching "Captain America" and making out. It was going well. Rounded second base standing-up.

We went to my bedroom and things proceeded rather quickly. I went down on her and... I almost puked. Like, she was clean and such, but goddamn it smelled awful. I know my dick probably doesn't smell the greatest, but it takes a LOT for me to even CONTEMPLATE vomiting.

I went back up and kinda played it off. We banged for a bit and it was turrible. I pulled a LeBron Game 1 and faked some cramps to end it. She spent the night, asked to **** before I went to work in the morning and I just straight up said "Nah that's okay." She went home after I said that. :lolz:Mission accomplished.

I can't really re-watch "Captain America" the same ever since then.

GirbaudJeans wrote:

You can tell it. Your memory is better than mine. All I remember is the nipple rings and pissing fire. Actually I am too lazy to type all the stories out right now otherwise I would have a lot of fun with this thread. I give you permission to tell them on my behalf though.

The problem is, I can't remember how much of the stories are real, and how much are fabrications from a certain someone retelling them.

@Death Roe -

Death Roe wrote:I had a girl come over that I met once before. We started watching "Captain America" and making out. It was going well. Rounded second base standing-up.

We went to my bedroom and things proceeded rather quickly. I went down on her and... I almost puked. Like, she was clean and such, but goddamn it smelled awful. I know my dick probably doesn't smell the greatest, but it takes a LOT for me to even CONTEMPLATE vomiting.

I went back up and kinda played it off. We banged for a bit and it was turrible. I pulled a LeBron Game 1 and faked some cramps to end it. She spent the night, asked to **** before I went to work in the morning and I just straight up said "Nah that's okay." She went home after I said that. :lolz:Mission accomplished.

I can't really re-watch "Captain America" the same ever since then.

I have run into a few of those and my god is it the worst. I would have cut my hand off to avoid it this one time. I could not get the stink off my hand. It was like a fucking skunk sprayed my hand. Nothing worse than stinky pussy.

WhiteBoyHatcher wrote:

The problem is, I can't remember how much of the stories are real, and how much are fabrications from a certain someone retelling them.

@Death Roe -

That's a good point. You have to admit, when he tells the story it is much more entertaining.

I went to the bathroom afterwards and gargled an entire bottle of mouthwash on repeat.

I showered like Ace Ventura did after he found out Finkle is Einhorn.

WhiteBoyHatcher wrote:That's why I said I'd go second you fucking assholes.

I don't know about sexual encounters, but you have created an awkward thread.

Turtleneck wrote:

I don't know about sexual encounters, but you have created an awkward thread.

Awkward and this board = does not compute.

Post your story or STFU.

In high school I once finger blasted a girl so hard that it popped her cherry. Blanch would have been proud. Had to throw my sheets away because it had blood all over them. It was kinda tricky hiding that from my parents.

I met a chick at a bar that was in town for a funeral. I took her home after a few minutes of talk, and we went straight to the bedroom. I had removed our clothing down to just our underwear when she stopped me. I was like WTF?

She wanted to pray first. I still don't know how I didn't laugh, but I played it off like I thought it was a good idea. So there we are, kneeling next to my bed, facing each other. She thanked god for the chance to meet me, said some other stupid stuff that I can't recall, and then asked me to say something too. I said all the same shit that she did.

At that point, she wrapped up the prayer, then looked at me and smiled. I smiled back, stood up, dropped my boxers and guided her mouth to my girthy, throbbing meat stick. After the beejer we engaged in rough, raunchy and loud sex.

It's now like 3am, and since she had gotten a ride to the bar, I had to take her to the house of the relative she was staying with. It was an ordeal, because she didn't know the town at all. I finally find the place, and as she is getting out of my car, she says "God bless you!".

Rodeo Burger wrote:guided her mouth to my girthy

I believed you up until this point

I hated my best friends sister when I was younger. When we were like 10-14, she was always bugging the shit out of us. She disrupted out GI Joe playing with her stupid fucking my little pony bullshit, she'd come out in the backyard when we were having fires and "camping" and try to get us to tell ghost stories or play some asinine truth or dare billshit. She was like 11! She didn't know shit about shit except annoying the **** out of us. She was weirdly flirty for a prepubescent girl. I found out later that she got all of that behavior from her older sister... But that's another story. So anyway, this was our relationship. She was like a sister to me, and so I pretty much ignored her. Until I was 16 and she had just turned 15. I had boned once and had the itch. Everything had changed and as you may know, as a 16 year old boy, you'd literally **** a tree if it had a knot that looked like an asshole. So anyway, we were "camping" out in my buddy's backyard on a summer night and she comes out to blab at us... Only this time she's wearing these little shorts and just starting to get titties and isn't wearing a bra... You get the picture. So normally we'd tell her to **** off (although that never worked) but this time, he did, and I was like "it's cool man, let her stay." So he's annoyed that I'm flirting with his sister and after like half an hour he gives up and goes inside. I get a raging boner for no other reason than I'm 16 and somehow she notices. I start messing around and flashing it at her and we're giggling and rolling around. Before you know it, I'm slipped up under her shorts and we're going at it. We never even kissed. I'm so happy I think this is the best day of my life when about 5 min. in, the tent zipper shoots up and a vice grip of a hand grabs my ankle and drags me out into the yard. I've never since gone from full on erect to inverted in less than 2 seconds, but I swear it happened. It was her dad. He was a cop. He grabbed my T-shirt and carried me like a duffel bag out through the side gate of the backyard and threw me on the sidewalk. He said "Get the **** out of here and don't ever come back. I'll be calling your mother." I whimpered something about my sleeping bag and he goes "WHAT?!" and I skittered away down the street. It was like 10 when I got home and I was up all night waiting for the phone to ring but it never did. The next day my friend told me that his sister said nothing happened and were just tickling each other (?). I decided to go with that story too, even though my buddy didn't believe me. She later told me that that was her fist time, although there wasn't any blood or anything. We never did it again. Eventually his dad got over it, although he ALWAYS gave me the evil eye from then on out. We eventually lost touch, but I'm friends with her on Facebook. She's got a bunch of kids now.

And... Scene.

on spring break. so damn drunk, so was she. thought I was gonna throw up

WhiteBoyHatcher wrote:

Awkward and this board = does not compute.

Post your story or STFU.

Behind a tour bus at a Barbra Streisand concert in 1977. There was an incident with a Canadian flag and can of RC Cola that brought the whole thing to an abrupt end. I think she is still homeless.

Got arrested once for having sex with an inflatable pool raft.

Martin Spartan wrote:Got arrested once for having sex with an inflatable pool raft.

I was wondering how long it was going to take to see this haha.

One time, I was fucking Tanfan ghey in an Applebee's bathroom stall, and as I was fucking him, he said, 'Stop, I have to fart', and I said 'I'm not stopping...just do it...it might get you off', but what I didn't know was that Tanfan had Norovirus, so when he farted, he diarrhea'd really bad, and when I plunged back into him as he diarrhea'd, it was kinda like squishing a grape and his diarrhea shot straight up into my eyes and I had pink eye for like almost 4 weeks.

I just threw up in my mouth a little

Simple: it felt like a wrestling match with one of your buds. Awful. Just awful

Blanch32 wrote:Simple:  it felt like a wrestling match with one of your buds.  Awful.  Just awful

Well, give us some more details, like what was his name?

I was a student at MSU, living on the Eastside of Lansing and working at a bar in that area. There was a chick that lived a few blocks away. I wouldn't call her 'hot' persay but cute in that white-trashy 'I'd let you **** me up against a dumpster behind a townie bar" kind of way. We had partied together a few times previously. This chick really liked to get down. One night I got off work a bit early, she and a chubby friend are at my bar, hitting it hard. She convinces me to hang out. I call up a buddy and the four of us close down the bar. At this point the porker wants to go to Theo's to grub, we do. I am the only one that doesn't get anything to eat.

After that we head back to my place. My buddy, being an incredible wingwan decides to take one for the team and keep Chunky occupied. Blondy and I head to my room and start going at it. She's got a great body, well her tits leave a little something to be desired but I wasn't complaining. Eventually she winds up on top and is riding the **** out of me. After a couple of minutes I hear a very distinct gurgling sound that I will never forget, she say "oh shit" and tries to jump off me but it was already too late. She unleashes a stream of biscut and gravy vomit (tinged with Red Headed Slut) all over my face and chest. She freak outs and start crying. I freak out, jump up, throw her off my bed and just stand there trying to wrap my mind around what just happened. After collecting myself I strip all the sheets off the bed and head to the bathroom to clean up. When I leave my room and turn the corner I see my buddy going to town on Chunky's massive ass while she is bent over our coffee table. I find out later that he didn't have a condom so he convinced the chick to let him enter through the exit (the room didn't smell right for a week afterwards, but that another story). I just scoot by to the bathroom and take a long-hot shower.

When I get back to my room like 20 minutes later Blondie is passed out on my naked bed, still with puke splatter all over her chest and stomach. The smell is horrible so I ditch and head down to the basement where we have another couch. I finally fall asleep at about 4:30 in the morning. only to be woken up at 6 by Blondie. She's 'really sorry' but needs me to wake up so I can take her home. Her boyfriend (who I had no idea about) is going to be back from work in a little while and she need to get home. Being the outstanding human being I am I agree to give her a ride home. It was the most awkward 5 minute drive I have ever been a part of. There is a bit of the silver lining as she sucked me off sitting in her boyfriend's driveway.

tl;dr version: Never let a chick eat breakfast food at 2:30 am when you plan on getting down

Trevor, please rename this thread "How I got herp"

and, to all of you who had awkward encounters and didn't finish well, shame on you!

Nordic wrote:

WhiteBoyHatcher wrote:That's why I said I'd go second you fucking assholes.

Lock this thread

  

BRODSON wrote:Trevor, please rename this thread "How I got herp"

and, to all of you who had awkward encounters and didn't finish well, shame on you!

Trevor has left the building.

Rocinante wrote:I hated my best friends sister when I was younger. When we were like 10-14, she was always bugging the shit out of us. She disrupted out GI Joe playing with her stupid fucking my little pony bullshit, she'd come out in the backyard when we were having fires and "camping" and try to get us to tell ghost stories or play some asinine truth or dare billshit. She was like 11! She didn't know shit about shit except annoying the **** out of us. She was weirdly flirty for a prepubescent girl. I found out later that she got all of that behavior from her older sister... But that's another story. So anyway, this was our relationship. She was like a sister to me, and so I pretty much ignored her. Until I was 16 and she had just turned 15. I had boned once and had the itch. Everything had changed and as you may know, as a 16 year old boy, you'd literally **** a tree if it had a knot that looked like an asshole. So anyway, we were "camping" out in my buddy's backyard on a summer night and she comes out to blab at us... Only this time she's wearing these little shorts and just starting to get titties and isn't wearing a bra... You get the picture. So normally we'd tell her to **** off (although that never worked) but this time, he did, and I was like "it's cool man, let her stay." So he's annoyed that I'm flirting with his sister and after like half an hour he gives up and goes inside. I get a raging boner for no other reason than I'm 16 and somehow she notices. I start messing around and flashing it at her and we're giggling and rolling around. Before you know it, I'm slipped up under her shorts and we're going at it. We never even kissed. I'm so happy I think this is the best day of my life when about 5 min. in, the tent zipper shoots up and a vice grip of a hand grabs my ankle and drags me out into the yard. I've never since gone from full on erect to inverted in less than 2 seconds, but I swear it happened. It was her dad. He was a cop. He grabbed my T-shirt and carried me like a duffel bag out through the side gate of the backyard and threw me on the sidewalk. He said "Get the **** out of here and don't ever come back. I'll be calling your mother." I whimpered something about my sleeping bag and he goes "WHAT?!" and I skittered away down the street. It was like 10 when I got home and I was up all night waiting for the phone to ring but it never did. The next day my friend told me that his sister said nothing happened and were just tickling each other (?). I decided to go with that story too, even though my buddy didn't believe me. She later told me that that was her fist time, although there wasn't any blood or anything. We never did it again. Eventually his dad got over it, although he ALWAYS gave me the evil eye from then on out. We eventually lost touch, but I'm friends with her on Facebook. She's got a bunch of kids now.

And... Scene.

I made this up.

Jaheab wrote:I was a student at MSU, living on the Eastside of Lansing and working at a bar in that area. There was a chick that lived a few blocks away. I wouldn't call her 'hot' persay but cute in that white-trashy 'I'd let you **** me up against a dumpster behind a townie bar" kind of way. We had partied together a few times previously. This chick really liked to get down. One night I got off work a bit early, she and a chubby friend are at my bar, hitting it hard. She convinces me to hang out. I call up a buddy and the four of us close down the bar. At this point the porker wants to go to Theo's to grub, we do. I am the only one that doesn't get anything to eat.

After that we head back to my place. My buddy, being an incredible wingwan decides to take one for the team and keep Chunky occupied. Blondy and I head to my room and start going at it. She's got a great body, well her tits leave a little something to be desired but I wasn't complaining. Eventually she winds up on top and is riding the **** out of me. After a couple of minutes I hear a very distinct gurgling sound that I will never forget, she say "oh shit" and tries to jump off me but it was already too late. She unleashes a stream of biscut and gravy vomit (tinged with Red Headed Slut) all over my face and chest. She freak outs and start crying. I freak out, jump up, throw her off my bed and just stand there trying to wrap my mind around what just happened. After collecting myself I strip all the sheets off the bed and head to the bathroom to clean up. When I leave my room and turn the corner I see my buddy going to town on Chunky's massive ass while she is bent over our coffee table. I find out later that he didn't have a condom so he convinced the chick to let him enter through the exit (the room didn't smell right for a week afterwards, but that another story). I just scoot by to the bathroom and take a long-hot shower.

When I get back to my room like 20 minutes later Blondie is passed out on my naked bed, still with puke splatter all over her chest and stomach. The smell is horrible so I ditch and head down to the basement where we have another couch. I finally fall asleep at about 4:30 in the morning. only to be woken up at 6 by Blondie. She's 'really sorry' but needs me to wake up so I can take her home. Her boyfriend (who I had no idea about) is going to be back from work in a little while and she need to get home. Being the outstanding human being I am I agree to give her a ride home. It was the most awkward 5 minute drive I have ever been a part of. There is a bit of the silver lining as she sucked me off sitting in her boyfriend's driveway.

tl;dr version: Never let a chick eat breakfast food at 2:30 am when you plan on getting down

Classic Theo's. Always making ya barf or shit like crazy.   

Rocinante wrote:

I made this up.

  

Rocinante wrote:

I made this up.

Yeah, it wasn't that good to begin with anyways. Thank God you made that up.

Rocinante wrote:

I made this up.

ELPD ALERT LEVEL 8 -- CODEWORD FORBIN

Mine was about getting the clap and that had already been said, so I just riffed.

Rodeo Burger wrote:I met a chick at a bar that was in town for a funeral.  I took her home after a few minutes of talk, and we went straight to the bedroom.  I had removed our clothing down to just our underwear when she stopped me.  I was like WTF?  

She wanted to pray first.  I still don't  know how I didn't laugh, but I played it off like I thought it was a good idea.  So there we are, kneeling next to my bed, facing each other.  She thanked god for the chance to meet me, said some other stupid stuff that I can't recall, and then asked me to say something too.  I said all the same shit that she did.  

At that point, she wrapped up the prayer, then looked at me and smiled.  I smiled back, stood up, dropped my boxers and guided her mouth to my girthy, throbbing meat stick.  After the beejer we engaged in rough, raunchy and loud sex.

It's now like 3am, and since she had gotten a ride to the bar, I had to take her to the house of the relative she was staying with.  It was an ordeal, because she didn't know the town at all.  I finally find the place, and as she is getting out of my car, she says "God bless you!".  

So you had some great sex but had to say a little prayer beforehand and that was your WORST sexual encounter? That must've been so rough for you.

I think I got just about anyone beat in this department. About 10 years ago I hooked up with a girl that I worked with. In fact we dated for a couple weeks before we first had sex. So the first night we had sex, I put it in, and she started squirming but not in a good way, but in a "I'm in pain" kind of way, and I'm pretty sure it wasn't due to my average penis size. She kept telling me it was okay and to just go slow. This went on for a while but of course, at some point if you're the guy, you want to ramp it up so you can get in a rhythm and bust your nut. So I tried to speed it up but then she started making louder "ouch" type noises so I stopped and asked again if everything was okay. She then proceeded to roll over and got very emotional and apologetic and said that she rarely has sex because her vagina is "damaged" from sexual abuse when she was a child. Apparently she was molested by her older brother when they were kids. I felt terrible and it was extremely awkward. Needless to say I did not continue to pursue things after that.