Why I'm not comfortable with shaming people who are attempting to apologize

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Why I'm not comfortable with shaming people who are attempting to apologize

Post by Rocinante on 2018-01-03, 15:50

This is a sensitive subject because female empowerment is getting some real traction, but I want to talk about misogynists who are attempting to reform and how they are often taken to task for the way they go about it.

Loius CK comes to mind. He apologized in what seemed to be a sincere statement (albeit after being outed by other folks) and appears to want to make up for his grossness, and his statement is picked apart line-by-line as being self-serving and colorblind. And maybe it was! It probably was. But how do we benefit by attacking it? Why can't it be seen as a starting point for a constructive dialogue instead of the final destination of this man's complete being?

Recently the creator of Rick & Morty (funny, but I'm not really a fan) was taken to the woodshed on twitter by a woman who used to work for him. The whole thing is here.

https://jezebel.com/community-writer-megan-ganz-takes-dan-harmon-to-task-fo-1821743718

His apologies (again, appearing to be sincere) are torn apart and he is demonized for being self serving and blind to who the victim is. and MAYBE THEY ARE. But if someone approaches you and says sorry... sincerely... you can still be mad at them but try to reach a resolution. "Sorry" isn't supposed to be the end of it. If someone says sorry and isn't ready to talk about why what they did was wrong or how they can look at it in a better way to understand the damage they do, THEN you should by all means attack them. But doing it at the outset because they don't really understand how to apologize right is dumb and counterproductive.

On the other hand, I get that it is not the victim's responsibility to show the oppressor what to do to redeem himself. Maybe the rest of us could not pile on though?
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Re: Why I'm not comfortable with shaming people who are attempting to apologize

Post by Cameron on 2018-01-03, 18:00

It's not satisfying to just have someone apologize when they've done wrong. It's far more satisfying if they push back and then you get to lay out exactly how and why they are wrong and stupid, preferably in front of an audience who can applaud your efforts. And when a transgressor does not comply with this format, then the apology is picked apart so that it can be said that they aren't really sorry and now here's why that's perhaps even worse than the original transgression and aren't I so great for noticing and pointing it out to all of you.

So I'm really shocked that you're not into it, actually...
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Re: Why I'm not comfortable with shaming people who are attempting to apologize

Post by Dendrobates on 2018-01-03, 18:18

I agree with you Roc.

One reason women tear them apart may be that they are afraid it will go away and be ok if they just apologize. It’s definitely hard to win for someone who is sincere and actually changes for the better.
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Re: Why I'm not comfortable with shaming people who are attempting to apologize

Post by Rocinante on 2018-01-03, 22:26

Cameron wrote:It's not satisfying to just have someone apologize when they've done wrong. It's far more satisfying if they push back and then you get to lay out exactly how and why they are wrong and stupid, preferably in front of an audience who can applaud your efforts. And when a transgressor does not comply with this format, then the apology is picked apart so that it can be said that they aren't really sorry and now here's why that's perhaps even worse than the original transgression and aren't I so great for noticing and pointing it out to all of you.

So I'm really shocked that you're not into it, actually...

Well since you know everything I’m really shocked you're shocked.
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