I think I took someone's Christmas tree and other Holiday mishaps

My life is basically a Clark Griswald debacle. This is going to be TL/DR so either enjoy the absurdity or don't read it.

Case in point.

Today was to be my side of the family's 'Thanksgiving' at my parents house. My sister's ex gets her kids on Thursday, so we have started doing dinner at my parents on Friday. The bird is my responsibility. As some of you know, I'm into the BBQ thing, so I've been cooking our bird and either transporting it to my parents house or cooking it in their driveway for the past 4-5 years.

Due to timing issues, determined this year I would cook it at home and transport over just in time to eat. So I get my trailer set up, fire running hot, bird stuffed with 2 lbs of butter under skin, little salt/pepper rub going on, and put it on the pit.

20 minutes later I get a call from my mom who sounds like the grim reaper is in the room with her. She is sick, can't host, and has to cancel and try to put off dinner until Sunday if we can make it. Ok. I pull the bird off and put it back in the fridge, already starting to get tanned. 21 lb bird.

A few minutes later I start thinking...hmmm...it's probably not real safe to leave a thawed turkey in my fridge (already been thawed for 4-5 days - was freshly killed on probably Sunday morning) for ANOTHER 2 days so I do some googling. Turns out, once they hit 40 degrees, bacteria multiply and it becomes SUPER unsafe. So I guess the turkey is going back on. I call my mom back and she says they have a small one they can oven roast on Sunday. So I guess we (me, wife, 5 year old, 2 year old) are having 21 lbs of turkey for lunch!

The good news is this allows us to go cut down our tree today, as opposed to tomorrow, which was going to be a debacle in and of itself because of other activities planned.

So we drive up to Oxford to go to the tree farm. It is a ****ing zoo. Usually we go on Wednesday and there are 3 cars there. There is a line of 40-****ing-+ paying for their trees. 5 year old is refusing to wear mittens. Wife is wearing 2 year old in the burly and she is saying "cold. cold" 5 minutes into looking for a tree. 5 year old is whining about not taking the pull cart in between the rows of trees. My fingers are numb. I'm trying to get back at a reasonable time as there's a good chance I'm going out with my buddies, as Girbaud is in town from Texas. Wife finally sees a tree. It's not bad. I'm kind of a perfectionist but I think it's a decent tree and due to all of the above, I say fuck it. We're getting it. 5 year old agrees. 2 year old's eyelids are frozen open so she just nods.

Cut it down, put it on the cart, and drag it back to get baled and wait in the 80 person line to pay. The dudes who bale the trees tell me they need the tag, so I go to rip off the tag. I rip it 98% of the way off. Kid tells me I wasn't supposed to rip it off, they just needed the bottom portion but it will be ok. He asks my initials and writes them on the half of the tag that stays on the tree. This is how we find our tree after they bale it.

I'm watching this operation for a bit as we're standing in line, and I'm getting concerned that our tag is going to fall off/we're not going to find our tree once they wrap/bale it. They put it through this machine, shake it out, etc. So I have one eye on it, one eye on my 5 year old who can't feel his hands, one eye on the MILF in front of me, one eye on my daughter who is now running around, and one eye on my wife because I like her these days. I see them take what I think is our tree, put it through the shaker, put it through the bale machine and back on the cart and start wheeling it away. I tell my wife, I think our tag is going to fall off, go check and see if that's our tree.

Mistake. She asks me 14 questions before setting off to find the cart the guy just wheeled off. There are literally 20 carts with trees on them. She finds one without a tag and tells me where it is. I'm now guessing this is our tree, but have no way of knowing. It's a fir of some sort. We picked a fir. Looks to be about the same size. Fuck it.

I give her my wallet to pay and tell her I'm gonna go tie it to the car while she waits in line and pays. I get it rigged to the top of my SUV. Tie it up. People come up in car next to me and tell me I have it the wrong way and I should probably turn it around. I tell them I already have it tied down and I'm gonna roll with it. Guy who works there comes up and tells me if I don't turn it around tree is going to be ruined by the time I get home. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Ok. Cut all the twine. Wife is here with kids now. Kids are freezing. Rotate it 180. Re-tie/bungy it. Not very well. Get in car. Kids whining. 1000 tets from my idiot friends lighting my phone up. 40 minute drive home. Still have to stop at Pet Smart and get dog food (totally out). Snowing like crazy. Roads slick. Wife playing 100.3 (Christmas music). Head about to explode.

An hour later (people are driving 30 mph) stop at Pet Smart. Spend $160 in dog food. A half hour later, get home. Walk in, throw dog food down the basement steps (I always do this - bowls are in the basement). 30 lbs bag of dog food hits the steps, bounces once, hits the basement floor. Explodes. Kibble everywhere. All over basement. I curse loudly.

I ignore for time being and get the tree stand. I put the tree on the tree stand (still baled) in the living room. It looks kind of ridiculous. The dudes cut off all of the bottom branches and there are about 8" of trunk exposed. Wife starts balking. I tell her I can make another cut. I look for my B&D reciprocating saw. No blade. I have no hand saw. I tell her I'm going to have to go buy a saw/saw blade if she wants it cut. She says no, but is still balking. I say listen, if you're going to complain about this for the next 4-5 weeks, I want to go to the store. She says go to the store. I say thank you for telling me.

They do not have a blade for a B&D reciprocating saw. So I say fuck it and buy a new reciprocating saw. It's Black Friday yay! It was on sale! $60 later I have a new saw, with some nice new blades, and a gatorade. I get home, and cut that fucker down about 4". Drill a new peg hole in the bottom. Set it back up.

Cut the twine and.......um...I don't think that's our tree. That's definitely not our tree.

SERENITY NOW.

That was a highly entertaining read.

Try to picture all of that shit with 2 more kids under age 10

The Pantry wrote: That was a highly entertaining read.

Try to picture all of that shit with 2 more kids under age 10

I can't even imagine. I don't know how people do it. If I found out my wife was pregnant tomorrow, I might run away and become one of those dudes who lived in the woods.

If nothing else, the turkey turned out great.

The 4 of us almost went through one entire breast for lunch. Couldn't believe how much the kids were eating - they're usually not big meat eaters.

WhiteBoyHatcher wrote:If nothing else, the turkey turned out great.

The 4 of us almost went through one entire breast for lunch. Couldn't believe how much the kids were eating - they're usually not big meat eaters.

Send some of that ****ing shit up here.

WhiteBoyHatcher wrote:If nothing else, the turkey turned out great.

The 4 of us almost went through one entire breast for lunch. Couldn't believe how much the kids were eating - they're usually not big meat eaters.

Nice looking bird. What wood?

Put mine in the brine last night thinking I'd smoke it today but had a change of plans. Was wondering how long you could keep a turkey brining and discovered you can soak them up to 48 hours. Then I discovered many recommendations to air dry them uncovered in the fridge after brining, similar to drying fish after brining to develop a pellicle.

Bird brined for roughly 31 hours and is now in the fridge drying for what will probably be 12 hours. Going to spatchcock this thing and run the WSM hot as possible without the water pan. The technique has worked great with chicken

You had me at 'Clark Griswald'.

Oh, and wait until you are older. I can actually tolerate Xmas now and then. I can put up the grandpa xmas tree. It's just a 2 foot ceramic tree you ****ing just plug in that we put up on the ledge of the picture window. Done.

Frank Ricard wrote:Oh, and wait until you are older. I can actually tolerate Xmas now and then. I can put up the grandpa xmas tree. It's just a 2 foot ceramic tree you ****ing just plug in that we put up on the ledge of the picture window. Done.

Have a 3 foot fake table tree with lights always on it. Pull it out and plug it in for two weeks every season. It's a beautiful thing.

WhiteBoyHatcher wrote:If nothing else, the turkey turned out great.

The 4 of us almost went through one entire breast for lunch. Couldn't believe how much the kids were eating - they're usually not big meat eaters.

The Pantry wrote:Nice looking bird. What wood?

Put mine in the brine last night thinking I'd smoke it today but had a change of plans. Was wondering how long you could keep a turkey brining and discovered you can soak them up to 48 hours. Then I discovered many recommendations to air dry them uncovered in the fridge after brining, similar to drying fish after brining to develop a pellicle.

Bird brined for roughly 31 hours and is now in the fridge drying for what will probably be 12 hours. Going to spatchcock this thing and run the WSM hot as possible without the water pan. The technique has worked great with chicken

Y am I so hungry?

Your kids need to toughen up.

I thought that kind of shit only use to happen to me.  It doesn't happen to much anymore because a) my kids are in their 20s and b) I'm single, so I pretty much just have to take of myself. I'm not gonna say that divorce is cure-all for shit like this, especially at a time when you like her.

If it make you feel any better, I could tell you about that time I locked myself out of my condo last spring and had to throw a cat statuette through the plate glass back door to get back inside.

Peace be with you, WBH.

That turkey looks ****ing delicious.

The Pantry wrote:Nice looking bird. What wood?

Put mine in the brine last night thinking I'd smoke it today but had a change of plans. Was wondering how long you could keep a turkey brining and discovered you can soak them up to 48 hours. Then I discovered many recommendations to air dry them uncovered in the fridge after brining, similar to drying fish after brining to develop a pellicle.

Bird brined for roughly 31 hours and is now in the fridge drying for what will probably be 12 hours. Going to spatchcock this thing and run the WSM hot as possible without the water pan. The technique has worked great with chicken

I used apple wood.

How'd the spatchcock go? I've done it with yard birdz but never a turkey. The turkeys I get are always too big. Or at least they were when I only had the 18.5. I suppose I could do it now.

This bird was good, man. One of the best I've done. Shame I didn't get to share it with the rest of my family.

Floyd Robertson wrote:I thought that kind of shit only use to happen to me.  It doesn't happen to much anymore because a) my kids are in their 20s and b) I'm single, so I pretty much just have to take of myself. I'm not gonna say that divorce is cure-all for shit like this, especially at a time when you like her.

If it make you feel any better, I could tell you about that time I locked myself out of my condo last spring and had to throw a cat statuette through the plate glass back door to get back inside.

Peace be with you, WBH.

I really want to hear this story. It sounds epic.

No real debacles to report tonight. Though tonight was to be our 10th Anniversary Date night, kids staying at my in laws. It did not happen because one of my FIL's motorcycle friends who lives by himself and makes his living playing guitar and singing in bars had a snow blower incident last week where he lost 2 - 2.5 fingers and his entire hand/arm is bandaged. So my in laws moved him in with them so he has someone to care for him because he's pretty much useless with no right hand. Thus....no date night. I guess (?) I can't complain....(?)

But seriously.

Great read, thanks for sharing.

WhiteBoyHatcher wrote:

I used apple wood.

How'd the spatchcock go? I've done it with yard birdz but never a turkey. The turkeys I get are always too big. Or at least they were when I only had the 18.5. I suppose I could do it now.

This bird was good, man. One of the best I've done. Shame I didn't get to share it with the rest of my family.

See the Happy Thanksgiving thread for results.

Jesus, it sounds like my daughter and son in law's kind of adventures. Always fuck ing entertaining.

Floyd Robertson wrote:I thought that kind of shit only use to happen to me.  It doesn't happen to much anymore because a) my kids are in their 20s and b) I'm single, so I pretty much just have to take of myself. I'm not gonna say that divorce is cure-all for shit like this, especially at a time when you like her.

If it make you feel any better, I could tell you about that time I locked myself out of my condo last spring and had to throw a cat statuette through the plate glass back door to get back inside.

Peace be with you, WBH.

Lol please share

The shitting thread is great but don't sleep on this thread. Good stuff.

Also, why is your tree going to be up for five weeks? Do you leave it up for the Final Four?

Great story. Hope you had plenty to drink after it.

Funny shit.  Especially the part about not being able to find a saw blade so you buy a whole new saw.  Thinking like that is how I inherited a load of tools from my late father.  

You didn't mention the hounds chasing you and the tree into the house.

WhiteBoyHatcher wrote:

Floyd Robertson wrote:I thought that kind of shit only use to happen to me.  It doesn't happen to much anymore because a) my kids are in their 20s and b) I'm single, so I pretty much just have to take of myself. I'm not gonna say that divorce is cure-all for shit like this, especially at a time when you like her.

If it make you feel any better, I could tell you about that time I locked myself out of my condo last spring and had to throw a cat statuette through the plate glass back door to get back inside.

Peace be with you, WBH.

I really want to hear this story. It sounds epic.

No real debacles to report tonight. Though tonight was to be our 10th Anniversary Date night, kids staying at my in laws. It did not happen because one of my FIL's motorcycle friends who lives by himself and makes his living playing guitar and singing in bars had a snow optimist incident last week where he lost 2 - 2.5 fingers and his entire hand/arm is bandaged. So my in laws moved him in with them so he has someone to care for him because he's pretty much useless with no right hand. Thus....no date night. I guess (?) I can't complain....(?)

But seriously.

2017 bump. Tomorrow is the day to go get the Griswold Family Tree.

And yes, the above really did happen.

Last year we picked out a tree at Home Depot. They tagged it and wrapped it up. We went inside to get something and pay for it, came back out and the guys threw it in the back of the SUV. Got home, put it in the tree stand, undid the twine, thought it looked different, looked at the tag...it said Rick.

Merry Christmas, Rick!

Jerk. I knew someone else got my Christmas tree.

still a great read.

Nordic wrote: Awesome story. Getting the tree is always a shit show, but I still drag the fam kicking and screaming no matter how cold, tired or dark it is. Kinda sadistic on my part.

My daughter was crying last night because she didn't want to go today and there wasn't going to be anyone to stay home with her.

Tree is awful this year. Not a fan. Couldn't really find a good fat one in the style I like. Kids were getting impatient. Clients were blowing up my email. And I settled. It's too skinny and crooked.

WhiteBoyHatcher wrote:Tree is awful this year. Not a fan. Couldn't really find a good fat one in the style I like. Kids were getting impatient. Clients were blowing up my email. And I settled. It's too skinny and crooked.

Our hunting property has 4 Christmas tree plots on them. I get a free tree. But we don't cut it until Dec. 1st.

Peace.

Nordic wrote:Tree Day!

Haven't left the house yet and the kids are antagonising each other :