What were the worst shits you ever took?

There are two that stand out for me.

Circa 1994 - I was driving from Michigan to Colorado solo and stopped to eat some Nachos and a couple of brews somewhere in Nebraska. I don't know what the hell happened but within 30 minutes I was so sick I was hallucinating. I just needed to get off the road pronto but I was in the midst of some one lane construction zone. I finally pulled over through the cones and made it half way to the ditch pulling down my pants - shitting and puking at the same time. All over my boxers and jeans. I think I ditched my boxers and rubbed my shit jeans in the grass before putting them back on and returning to my car. All this while cars were traveling by like 10 mph.

Shafted pretty good at a wedding. That sucked

When I was a kid got hit with some mega norovirus food poisoning god I don't know what it was.  All I knew was that everything inside of me wanted out and it didn't care how it was getting there.  Simultaneously shitting and puking both of the projectile variety, I remember my mom giving me crap because I wasn't hitting the bucket with the vomit.  I gave zero fucks and proceeded to lay waste to the bathroom.

Some years after that, I accidentally ate a half pound of prunes or so.  They were tasty, and I just kept popping one after another.  That night I was over at a buddies house when I got really gassy.  I'm farting up a storm and laughing my ass off... until it wasn't a fart.  For the next two hours I could trust my ass to be honest with me about what was going to come out of, culminating with the pure tap water liquid felt like I was pissing like a girl but out my asshole shits.

Fast forward to post-college East Lansing.  I'm chilling in the apartment watching some football game, who know what is was.  Nature calls, so I wheel away from the desk I was sitting at to answer.  While in the process of doing my business and reading whatever it was I was reading (pre-smart phone era, so probably was a book), I hear the crowd go wild on TV.  So I hop up real quick, pre-paperwork, to waddle out into the living room with my pants at my ankles to see what was going on.  I take in the replay, head back to the bathroom, and wrap things up.  10 minutes or so later, I'm back in the computer chair thinking, man that was an epic shit it is still fucking lingering.  Then I felt my back sort of itching, reach back to scratch it, and... come back with a hand full of shit.  Turns out I had a hitchhiker that dropped onto my waistband when I waddled into the living room.  I called it the dingleapple.

Bonus worst shit... same apartment.  Rushing around to get ready for a week long vacation.  Dropped the kids off at the pool and forgot to flush in my haste to get out the door.  Did I mention weeklong?  I am surprised the neighbors did not call that shit smelled so bad.

Double bonus worst shit.  Wasn't actually mine.  Had I Irish Wolfhounds growing up.  Huge ass dogs.  Bred to be able to chase down and kill wolves.  They were 100% badass and would eat those decorative little shit dogs like tictacs.  Anyway, they were prancing around one night asking to be let outside.  So I get out of bed, walk into the kitchen and hit the light switch.  Simultaneous with doing so, I felt a comforting warmness around my feet.  One of those fuckers had a GI issue and dropped a loaf the size of a dinner plate and the consistency of overcooked oatmeal right in front of the switch.  Not only did I have to clean that shit up.  And my feet.  But the footprints all the way to the bathroom as well.

Those are the worst shits.  That I remember.

A wolfhound:

As bad and violent as my interstate shit case was at least it was only observed by a bunch of strangers driving by.
...Circa 2001, Christmas dinner at my wife's cousin's. We eat and drink all day and then head there for dinner. There are like 20 relatves there with cocktails and snacks going on. I have to go bad, really bad. My car is blocked in on the driveway. I don't know if I could have found a McDonald's or gas station open on Christmas night anyway. There is an upstairs but I had never seen anyone go up there and her husband had died and being an outsider I was afraid to go up there. So all that was left was this half bath off the kitchen - with a table of shrimp and whatnot outside and people mulling around. There was a sliding door, maybe a candle burning but no fan or air freshener.
...It was a terrible decision. No one brought it up that day or ever since. But I think they all know what went down and I have been traumatized to this day.

I was also traumatized by the shit I never took. I worked on the executive floor of an office buildimg that was shared by a law firm. These lawyers were the most disgusting shitters imaginable. Every other day the toilet was clogged with shit. My pooping phobia was already well developed so I would wait until I got home. If absolutely necessary there was a bathroom in the basement and a government building across the street. I hadn't taken a crap in there for like two years. One day I am taking a piss and the smell was the worst most disgusting ever. I'm washing my hands and in walks the CEO. It was so bad I felt like I had to say something so I said "It wasn't me". But I don't think he believed me. I pretty much had to leave the company at that point.

Fuck you if you don't think ghost is a phenomenal writer. Banning hIm would have prevented this. Freedom must rain tools. I was in tears

Gomer wrote:When I was a kid got hit with some mega norovirus food poisoning god I don't know what it was.

Good. Starting to understand the hate and fear

I clogged the lav on an Air Force C141 en route from Honolulu to Christchurch, New Zealand spring 1986. At the fuel stop in Pago Pago they removed the fouled lav with a fork lift an installed a new one. I was 9 years old and my dad had a smile from ear to ear, he was proud of his boy that day my friends.

gHost Spartan wrote:Buckingham Palace, August 10, 2001. My ex-girlfriend and I flew out to see one of my favorite all time bands, Pulp, play the Reading Festival. Some days later we were in London at Buckingham Palace and I had a code red. Rush down the street, through the park, trying to find a toilet, ended up shitting in one of those pay toilets on the sidewalk. It was super hot inside and I was just blowing ass, spraying the bowl and it just wouldn't stop. Make matters worse, when I'm finally done, I had to wipe with this really thin toilet paper that was more like Kleenex. Took me about 10 wipes to get my ass clean. My then-girlfriend went in after me and she said that it was the most vile, disgusting thing she's ever smelled in her life. She told me, matter-of-factly, that she may not ever sleep with me again because my shit was so repulsive. Later, on the way back to my friend's house in Oxford, she caught me picking my nose and wiping this gigantic nasty city booger on the double-decker bus. She said I was the most digesting person she's ever met. We fucked like three times later that night.

Best gHost story in 3 years or more, good to see you stepping your game up.

These stories are shitty.

(Edit: pun intended)

I'm not reading a story that long about shit bi wouldn't read one that long about porn for cripes sake

DWags wrote:I'm not reading a story that long about shit bi wouldn't read one that long about porn for cripes sake

Typical optimist responses between you and nigel

DWags wrote:I'm not reading a story that long about shit bi wouldn't read one that long about porn for cripes sake

I think DWags is into scat porn.

I have edited my first post in this thread, so any dumb shit that reads it will understand now.

Giant Moose wrote:

DWags wrote:I'm not reading a story that long about shit bi wouldn't read one that long about porn for cripes sake

I think DWags is into scat porn.

What's that?

NigelUno wrote:I have edited my first post in this thread, so any dumb shit that reads it will understand now.

Wait, what?

FTR you young punk dicks, at my age there is no such thing as a bad shit. Any bowel movement is good.

gHost Spartan wrote:

DWags wrote:

What's that?

dude, this is a shit thread. Shit + porn = scat porn. People shitting and fucking

Jesus. That's fucked up.